David’s Personal Narrative Essay Draft

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I feel that the image above can be used to expand upon your essay. Obviously, the meme is an over exaggeration, but while I was reading your essay I found myself wondering if anyone ever thought you were a “jerk” for being so competitive. Or, if you ever thought of yourself as one. Did you ever act a certain way and then reflect and wish you hadn’t acted that way? I think exploring this side of competitiveness could serve to bring deeper depth to your essay. I also think you could go into more detail about your role on the soccer team. Were you the best? How did your teammates treat you? How did you treat your teammates? I think that if the reader knows how you acted around others and what your relationships were like, the reader could better understand your competitiveness. I also wanted to know if there was ever an instance that you lost, and how did you deal with this loss? Did you deny that you lost and claim you won like your friend did when you were younger, or did you accept it? How did it affect you, and how long did it take you get over? Exploring these avenues in your narrative, I think, would make your paper stronger.

“You Can’t Sit With Us”

A new bullying: social exclusion

I believe the article above will help complicate your essay. It discusses social exclusion as a form of bullying, and the consequences it can have on a person’s childhood. I thought the way you set up your scene was really effective. However, I think what your paper needs is a central question or issue to explore. How does what you experienced as a child affect your life now? Do you find yourself having trouble in social situations, or do you feel more confident in yourself? How did finding new friends that you identify more with change your view of both yourself and your old friends? Did you every reconnect with your old friends, or did you not talk to them again? What has being socially excluded taught you? Does it make you think of friendships differently? I think exploring these questions will not only strengthen your essay but also add more depth that can address the positive and negative consequences of your experience.

Zach’s Personal Narrative

http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/healthadvice/parentsandyouthinfo/parentscarers/deathinthefamily.aspx

I believe the article above will further complicate your essay. I thought you did a good job setting the scene, and I thought the way you briefly talked about dreams distorting reality was effective. I think my biggest question when reading your essay was what your central question is. I thought maybe it was about reality, but you could honestly go into so many different directions. The article I chose above discusses how a death in the family can affect a child. I believe that exploring how your grandfather’s death affected both you and your family, your mother in particular, would allow you to explore perhaps what life is really about. I think it would effective to describe what your relationship with your grandfather was like, and how often you currently think of him. I think if you could delve into why his death affected you so much, your essay would increase in depth.

“Being My Own Mother”

http://www.realsimple.com/work-life/family/relationships/mother-daughter-relationships

I really enjoyed your essay and I think the link above will further expand upon your essay. I thought the way you created the scene with you not being picked up from school was effective. However, I felt that since the title of your essay was about being a mother, I would like to know more about your relationship with your own mother. Has your relationship changed as you have grown older or has it stayed relatively the same? Did the incident that you experience happen before or was that the first (and last) time was late? How has your independence shaped you and was there ever a time you needed to depend on someone and how did you feel? I think that answering some of these questions will help you define not only your relationship with your mother (which is what the article does) but also allow you to better understand yourself. You could even go further and explore more in depth the relationship with your sibling(s) and friends. Do you act like the mom in the relationship? Are there certain incidents you can talk about where you wanted to be there for your friends so they wouldn’t experience something similar to what you did? Was there a time you let someone down? How did that make you feel?

“Staring Up At The Ceiling”

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/michael-stanclift-nd/sleep-problems_b_4087050.html

I think the article above will further expand upon and complicate your essay. I think you did a really good job setting the tone for the essay and I really enjoyed how you went through your sleep progression starting from when you were a child. Something I found myself wondering while I was reading your essay was whether or not you had tried things or tactics to help you fall asleep. I think exploring this aspect of your sleep issue (connecting to the article) would help the reader better connect with the issues you are facing. Perhaps you tried counting sheep, pills, drinking. I think it would be interesting if you also went through some of the things you think about while you are sleeping. Do you feel isolated knowing everyone else is asleep? I know we talked about this in class today, but I would also like to know more about some dreams and nightmares you may have had, and maybe if part of your issue with falling asleep is from having nightmares. I think you could also talk about some of the dreams or nightmares you had when you were younger and how maybe your dreams and nightmares have changed as you grew older. Overall, I would try to expand upon your relationship with sleep.

“Choosy Moms Choose Jif”

 

The video I chose for your essay was a YouTube video about what people who are vegetarian are told by non-vegetarians. I think this video complicated your essay, and maybe you could talk more about how other people treated you as a vegetarian versus who you were usually treated. I was curious to know more about your decision to be a vegetarian for a week, and I think if you explained it more in depth, your essay would be stronger. I know you briefly mentioned that you only really ate chicken, so maybe you can talk about why you only ate chicken, and what about the other meats you did not like about it or if you have any beliefs that pertain to you not eating particular meats. I think having the thinking behind your decision would make the reader better understand where you are coming from. Furthermore, for your revision I would definitely focus on the contrast you found during your Spring Break: you can choose what you eat but those who are less fortunate can’t. You can definitely explore in your essay the cultural norm of food consumption, and how you didn’t realize how it could be different in other countries.

“Treat. Yo. Self”

For your essay, I chose the YouTube link above. It is a scene from Parks and Recreation, and the two characters (I don’t really watch the show so I don’t know their names, sorry) take out one of their friends for a day. Throughout the scene, they decide to treat themselves to things that make them happy. I think this scene can expand upon what you started in your essay. I like the idea of your investigation, but I would also like to see you explain in more depth what your daily routine is like so the reader can see how stressed or unhappy you are on a daily basis. This way, we can compare how you are when you treat yourself to when how you are usually (this connects to the end of the video scene when the friend begins to cry). I think the contrast would make your essay stronger, and show the reader that you are changing your daily routine because it took me a little while to figure out what you were investigating. I think it would also be interesting if you decided to treat a friend. Maybe you could talk about how doing something nice for someone else, or how making their day made you feel, and what their reaction to you doing something nice for them was.