I think the quote above complicates your essay. I like that you focused a lot on identity, but I felt that I was getting confused who Min Ji was and who Lady Gaga was. Especially when you were talking about Lady Gaga’s past, I was wondering if Min Ji had experienced similar situations as a child. For your next revision, I would definitely try to focus on Min Ji rather than Gaga. I would also like to know more about Min Ji. It seems that she went through a lot to find who she is and is working toward the type of person she wants to be, so I think if you had more details about her journey, the reader would get a better sense of who she is. It seems that religion is very important to her, so going into who she found God and how she changed once she found God would give the reader an interesting look into who Min Ji is.
Furthermore, it seems that Min Ji has had a profound impact on you. What about her has impacted you so much? Her kindness? I think going in depth into who Min Ji is and where her kindness and confidence comes from will definitely give her more depth in your essay and also let the reader know why Min’s life speaks the loudest.
Tiger Mom, Hold That Growl
Since I am unfamiliar with the term “hot-house child” that you use in your essay, I googled the term and realizes it was something similar to what many Asian children experience with their parents. Or, to be more specific, their mothers who are also called “Tiger Moms”. The link above is an article that I think complicates what you touch on in your essay. It seems that Harrison grew up in a relatively strict household with high expectations, which led to his having a difficult time making friends in school. I wanted to know more about these times, and wonder if there is a specific incident or memory he might have that you can write about.
Also, I was wondering about his achievements. You wrote that he didn’t get into any private schools, which I found interesting considering how he grew up. Perhaps you can expand on this part of the essay some more? I was also hoping to know more about his relationship with his parents, and how his relationship with them has changed over time. I think that the link above could give you a central question to your essay to consider: how does the way you are raised affect how you are as an adult?
I think the quote above complicates your essay. You definitely focus on how Op is almost too kind, and I found myself wondering if there was a reason for this. What was he like when he was younger? Was there an incident where he did not do the right thing and he has felt bad ever since? Is it connected to him being bullied or considered different in school? Exploring the history of his personality and childhood would definitely provide more depth to him as a person. I also think it would be interesting to find out a time where he faced difficulty for doing the right thing. You have a couple instances that you mention, but was there a particular bad one that put his niceness to the test? What is his thought process when he is inconvenienced for going out of the way to do something nice? Does he think people take advantage of him?
You might also consider a time where Op thought about doing what was most convenient for him instead of helping other people. Describing an incident that happened could give the reader more insight into who he is. I would also like to learn more about his past, like how old he was when he moved to the US and if he had any issues adjusting.
I believe that the picture above complicates your essay. In fact, I think that it represents the potential that your essay has. I am not sure how much more of the interview of Brian you have, but I urge you to interview him again. What you have in your essay now is the tip of the iceberg that is above the water and that is visible. I think you could definitely find out more about Brian, and give the reader a better picture of who he is as a person. Brian shows that he is a complex and unique individual, especially with the last quote you have in your essay, “Do not forget the reason why god made us. To create value and purpose in the world, and that is why I dance. That’s why you study. Create purpose and value man.” What made him think this way? I think you should try to find out more about his parents, how he grew up, what his life was like before he was homeless, and anything else that can give us a better picture of who he is. I think it was really brave and unique for you to choose Brian to interview, but at the end of your essay I found myself wondering why his story was so inspiring like your friend mentioned to you. What were you told beforehand about him? Furthermore, I think if you could ask him what he feels when he is performing and how often he dances, the reader could learn more about who he is as a performer and dancer.
The reason I chose this photo was because you are, in essence, trying to capture the image of a photographer. I think the image can serve to complicate how you think about this essay. I think you do a really good job when you are describing Luna’s adventures and strongly capture her personality. You go into her history and describe how she got into photography. However, I think it would be interesting if you thought about her photography from her perspective. How does she view her own work? What does she look for before she takes a picture, and what is her process and mindset? You can learn a lot about an artist by the way they approach their work, so I think going more in depth into who she is as a photographer would be very interesting. I would also love to know how she views the world around her. I would also like to know about her future. What does she want to do with her life? Is photography going to be her main focus or is she going to be doing something with her biopsychology courses?
I chose this video because it reminded me of the drawing that really speaks to you, the drawing of a tree. I think the animation extends upon what you wrote in your essay. When I read your essay, I wanted more of a connection between Ilana’s drawings and her animations. I felt that the animation you described took up a large portion of the essay, yet you did not really talk about her connection to animation that much and instead focused on her drawings. For your next draft, I would really like to see more explanation of her animation. Also, you will notice that there is music playing during the video, which I think signifies the connection between Ilana’s love for music and her love of art. Is there a way you could connect her love of animation to music as well?
Overall, I thought you have a great start to your essay. Like the tree you described and in the video, I would like to see your essay grow. I think focusing on other aspects of Ilana besides her hobbies would be interesting. What type of person is she? What are the ideals that are so important to her and how did she develop these ideals? I think going even more in depth would definitely make your paper stronger.