I believe the article above that lists 100 benefits of meditation will complicate your essay. Right now, you only have one instance of you being alone, and I am not sure it is a thorough enough experiment for your paper. I would suggest maybe meditating for 30 minutes or so each day for a week, and seeing how your life changes. Maybe you become a more positive person, more productive, or something like that? You could describe how your life was before you meditated, and maybe the challenges with finding the time out of your busy schedule to meditate.
I thought you had some moments of really good description while you were alone in your essay, but I wanted to know more about your usually everyday life. Are you always so busy you don’t have time for yourself? What are you so busy doing? I feel that the more you describe your life, the more the reader will be understand you better.
I think the article above might help you expand upon your essay. The article lists the things you learn by living by yourself, and I think if you more deeply explored what you learned about yourself when you lived alone, it will help the reader get a better understanding of the type of person you are. I think that doing something at the end of your essay of the things you learned about yourself after you had a roommate would also help the reader see how much you have changed, if at all.
To make your essay stronger, I would like to learn what your expectations were for having a roommate. Have you heard any terrible roommate stories from your friends and were really nervous? Or did you expect that it would be really fun and exciting, and you were looking forward to it? I think contrasting your expectations with the reality of living with your roommate would allow the reader to better understand what you are going through. Also, I wanted to know more about Z.Y. How well did you know him? I feel that if he was a friend you may be more comfortable with rooming with him, but if not then it might be more nerve-wracking. I would also like to know if you asked him any questions about how he lives before you asked him to move in with you like when he sleeps, whether he is neat or messy, and whether he is a morning or night person.
I think the article I posted above complicates your essay. In your essay, you talk about the negative withdrawal symptoms and the dangers of physical dependance on coffee. However, the Huffington Post article I found suggests that there are major health benefits that come with drinking coffee. It would be interesting if you compared these benefits to the negatives and talked about whether you believe it is overall better or worse to drink coffee.
I really enjoyed your voice in the essay. I thought you did a good job with showing how your brain was working while you were off coffee. I think to make this essay stronger, you could go in depth into your daily routine when you drank coffee. Were you more energetic? Were you more motivated? I think going through your normal routine and then describing your withdrawal from coffee will better help the reader understand the large impact that coffee has on your life. I would also push you to stay off coffee for as long as possible and see if your craving goes away, or if you always are drawn to coffee.
I feel that the video above complicates your essay. You talk about how you want to try to eliminate distractions and start studying in the library instead of at home, and this video argues that maybe you should do both: study at home and in the library. Studies have shown that being inconsistent in your studying habits can help you retain more information and make you more productive. So maybe going forward with your essay, you spend a week where one day you study at home and the other day you study in the library? How did you find the library atmosphere compared to your home one? Do you think you were more productive in the library than home? I would also like to know if you find yourself getting very distracted when you work at home. Are you almost too comfortable? Do you fall asleep or end up getting up and walking around and eating instead of doing work? I feel that as much information as you can describe and give the reader about your studying habits and what you want to change by going to the library will make your essay stronger.
The article above explains a case of Abby Ross who only needs four hours of sleep a night to function. She feels energetic as she wakes up at four or five in the morning every day, and was able to finish college in two and a half years. She gets an extra 60 days a year of extra time because she is not sleeping. Her and other “short-sleepers” have a certain mutated gene that allows them to function with little sleep just as well as others who need the usual recommended amount.
I feel that the article complicates your rough draft. As an avid napper myself, I understand the struggle of wanting to sleep but having so much work to do. In your essay, I would like to know if you felt any more energetic than you usually do when you didn’t nap. Did you get used to it after a couple days? Did you feel that you got a better night’s sleep when you didn’t nap? I think addressing these questions and ones related to them will make your essay stronger and give the reader a better understanding of how this investigation changed your life and energy levels. Also, I would like to know if you wish you needed less sleep to function. Do you envy your roommate and wish you had more free time that you didn’t need to spend napping?
I think the quote above complicates your essay. I like that you focused a lot on identity, but I felt that I was getting confused who Min Ji was and who Lady Gaga was. Especially when you were talking about Lady Gaga’s past, I was wondering if Min Ji had experienced similar situations as a child. For your next revision, I would definitely try to focus on Min Ji rather than Gaga. I would also like to know more about Min Ji. It seems that she went through a lot to find who she is and is working toward the type of person she wants to be, so I think if you had more details about her journey, the reader would get a better sense of who she is. It seems that religion is very important to her, so going into who she found God and how she changed once she found God would give the reader an interesting look into who Min Ji is.
Furthermore, it seems that Min Ji has had a profound impact on you. What about her has impacted you so much? Her kindness? I think going in depth into who Min Ji is and where her kindness and confidence comes from will definitely give her more depth in your essay and also let the reader know why Min’s life speaks the loudest.
Tiger Mom, Hold That Growl
Since I am unfamiliar with the term “hot-house child” that you use in your essay, I googled the term and realizes it was something similar to what many Asian children experience with their parents. Or, to be more specific, their mothers who are also called “Tiger Moms”. The link above is an article that I think complicates what you touch on in your essay. It seems that Harrison grew up in a relatively strict household with high expectations, which led to his having a difficult time making friends in school. I wanted to know more about these times, and wonder if there is a specific incident or memory he might have that you can write about.
Also, I was wondering about his achievements. You wrote that he didn’t get into any private schools, which I found interesting considering how he grew up. Perhaps you can expand on this part of the essay some more? I was also hoping to know more about his relationship with his parents, and how his relationship with them has changed over time. I think that the link above could give you a central question to your essay to consider: how does the way you are raised affect how you are as an adult?